apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize