Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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