Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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