Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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