you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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