so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As shirtless as possible
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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