see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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