My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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