It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
