the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
