You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
