Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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