I think my vagina is haunted
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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