i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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