im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
