Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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