Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
