i permit you to call me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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