White coat. Heels.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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