Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Someone shit on the floor
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
