mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
