Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
