Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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