I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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