Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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