i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
