Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

Fav 10 4513 2741
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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

Fav 6 4165 1343
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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

Fav 15 4340 1737
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(253): View more from Washington

So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

Fav 5 3605 1276
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.

Fav 1 1711 950
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(864): View more from South Carolina

I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.

Fav 4 2230 1047
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(419): View more from Ohio

Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.

Fav 5 707 526
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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.

Fav 0 81 29
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