I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
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