my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
