"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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