The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You ruined the universe
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