And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
