Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize