I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
