Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
