So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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