WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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