my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
