Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
