Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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