Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize