I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
