Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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