That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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