it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
