she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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