Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
