my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
