I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
