Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize