I look better un-naked...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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