did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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