don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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