found the other keg... it's in the tree
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
