8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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