I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
