wat bout pragnant strippers??
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
