dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
