just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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