I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
