I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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